Lying is a behavior. As such, lies have motivations, histories and consequences. Behaviors are learned from observing others. Whether children learn to lie may have to do with the combination of their personalities and their experiences. And as a learned behavior, lying can be maintained by circumstances or eliminated by circumstances.

Why a tween or teen might lie.
Inexperienced in managing certain situations, some tweens and young teens lie to avoid properly dealing with a situation. They may not even realize that what they have said is a lie. They may not understand the difference between telling a lie, a white lie or a half-truth, or just embellishing the truth to some extent. Often they say, “I didn’t know it was a lie.”

As adolescents reach their early teens, social pressures become prevalent. The need to be liked by others and to feel good about themselves typically causes early teens to lie or to imitate the behaviors of others who are popular or cool. Teens often feel it is more important to fit in than to risk being excluded, teased or bullied. Being liked makes a person feel valuable and important, which is necessary during a time of such developmental confusion. In this situation teens often say, “Everyone is doing it, why can’t I?”

Sometimes lies help young people get what they are afraid they might not otherwise receive. This may be attention, acknowledgement or real rewards such as allowance increases and gifts for academic or athletic performance. Adolescents who lie to reap rewards may think, “This is the only way I can get what I want.”

In a similar manner, lies may be crafted or employed to avoid punishment for wrongdoings. Lies to cover up the truth generally become more widespread as adolescents move through middle school and reach high school, and believe that the world is unfair to them. A 9th grader might say, “I was afraid I would get in trouble if I told the truth.”

It’s important to realize that some lies represent an attempt to avoid upsetting parents. Many kids believe if they tell the whole truth, their parents will be needlessly upset or “disappointed.” Rather than worry Mom and Dad about a bad grade or a school altercation, many kids choose to say nothing about a questionable incident— or they cover it up with a lie. They often think, “I am doing this to protect my parents from freaking out.”

Another major reason that teens lie relates to their increasing feeling that adults are constantly telling them what to do. Teens often feel as if they lack power or choice in their own lives. Changes during puberty, transitions in school and new friendships from growing older add to adolescents’ feeling of powerlessness. One day, they experience an acne breakout; another day, they experience a breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a failing grade. Through it all, there are a ton of adults telling them what they must do and how they must behave. But most tweens no longer feel the need for adult advice. Lying as a way of fooling or manipulating adults may allow kids to retain their sense of control.

Finally, tweens and teens may lie as a function of their normal development. Adolescents are trying hard to assert their own identity. The easiest way to do this is to defy their parents, their earliest role models. By disobeying and lying to parents, teens show they are a force to be reckoned with.

Is lying a bad thing?
Most parents would agree that telling lies is not a good idea. However, it is important to realize that lying may demonstrate a variety of underlying motivations. When lies unfold, it is an opportunity to understand and teach rather than just to punish. Tweens and teens must also learn to understand why they feel the urge to lie.

Even though some of these lies represent acts of defiance, they dually communicate that more parental support is needed. Parents need to maintain authority, despite whether it seems their children are not listening. They are listening, and need continual guidance.

What do kids lie about?
Lies can be about almost anything. Generally speaking, the bigger the perceived violation of parental norms, the more likely that lies will occur. This means lies are often about drug use, sexual behaviors and with whom the teen has been hanging out.

It’s difficult for a parent to be a “lie detector” for a number of reasons. For one, teens tend to be pretty good at fooling their parents, and teens get a lot of coaching in this area from their peers. Second, most parents don’t want to believe that their tween or teen is lying. It reflects poorly on parents if their children are liars. Sometimes parents avoid questioning lies for that reason. It is often upsetting to parents that their children do not regard lying as a legitimate concern. It is more upsetting to consider your child a liar.

What to do about lying.
How should parents respond if they discover a lie? Here are a few general tips:
•Don’t be too moralistic, especially in the beginning. It might confuse tweens who do not see a lie as that big or important.
•Parents can share their own dilemmas about lying, from both adolescence and adulthood. Let kids know it’s not always easy to tell the truth, but being truthful is important.
•Don’t over-react or humiliate kids. Do not confront them in front of others, especially their friends. Such a confrontation makes kids feel horrible, and they may feel the best way to get back at parents is to lie more often.
•Listen to their point of view. Listen first and speak second. If parents lecture or talk too much, children stop listening. If they know their parents are trying to listen and understand, they will be more likely to return the favor.
•Understand the context of the lie— why it might have felt “necessary” for the tween or teen at this juncture. Help tweens and teens figure out how they might be able to handle similar pressures, should they arise again, while abstaining from lying.
•Take development into consideration. Your child is not yet an adult and may need to feel unique or different. Let your child be unique, and support him or her by teaching, not punishing.